It's two sides of the same coin. Being cheated on is a terrible experience. Cheating on someone makes way for the kind of guilt not to be forgotten in a jiffy, if the relationship was serious. I have been cheated on and I have also cheated on someone. Don't I sound like a hypocrite? I like to think not. I think that, as wrong as breaking someone's trust is, it's human. We humans are just programmed that way. And now, in this fast era of even faster people, cheating on someone has become all too familiar with those involved in an emotional relationship with someone.
Do you watch movies? Of course you do. You must have come across scenes in films where a character walks into a room to find his lover getting busy with some other guy. Don't you feel sad for that person? What should he do then? Walk away? Scream at the top of his lungs until he gets hoarse? Beat the crap out of the other guy?
I decided to walk away and deal with my erstwhile girlfriend later. I was fifteen and heart-broken.
So now you must be thinking what I did after that traumatic experience. Let's just say I got cold. Deathly cold. There was no emotion left inside. There was no space for the feelings that we humans crave for. A touch that soothes normal people endowed me only with lust, sometimes animalistic.
I don't know if that's normal. It sounds morbid, I'm sure. More so because it's true.
Enter my new human connection a couple years later. It seemed wonderful at first. And then slowly, as memories flooded back on occasion, the craving for some carnal pleasure seemed never ending. Overpowering, I looked everywhere because my girlfriend was of the more traditional type. There was no scope for sex with her. But there was no dearth of opportunities, was there? The evil side if mine began to grow stronger. The thirst for lust was overwhelming. I needed fresh blood. A new girl to literally feed upon. I did find her. And I did use her for the pleasure of the flesh. It was only after about some weeks when my hunger was mildly satiated that I started feeling any remorse.
The physical relationship lasted a little less than two months. My real relationship, which was never broken or put on hold while the other was in progress (I'm actually talking about them as if they were mere telephone calls) came to an inevitable end a few more months later. However, to this date, the poor girl I cheated on then does not know about the disparate universe I lived in for a couple of months during which I was supposedly with her. Should I have come clean? Dabbling with troubled waters tends to create a whirlpool. And now, it's been a few years. I don't think there's any point meddling with the past anymore. Everybody's over everybody and everyone's happy, more or less.
I must make you sick. Isn't that right, dear reader? Doesn't the thought of a person like me or my first girlfriend in an innocent person's life sound blood-curdling? The least I can say is, I'm wiser now. It takes a humongous bit of effort simply to make sure you are trusted. And then you need to almost trust blindly. Maintaining relationships is difficult, if not downright impossible, unless you leave it to fate.
There was this third incident wherein I was not cheated on but the girl I loved, truly loved, barely felt anything for me but didn't have the heart to tell me that up until nearly a year of us being together. Harsh, maybe, but real all the same.
Life is sickening. Life is spine-tingling. The despicable reality of life is mind-boggling and mind-numbing. It's not until someone's been through something and possibly done it all over again does he truly understand the ramifications of his actions. Sometimes it takes a chain of events. Sometimes one is enough to change a man, for better or worse. You might ask, “Was this all real?”. Believe what you will. Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. The effects of this truth are never fully comprehensible.
Ultimately, it's like Darwin said, “Survival of the fittest”. Only here, it means something very different. A relationship strong enough to survive all tests that life has to offer? Sounds challenging. Anyone in for a game of romance?
PS. No names have been taken here because this is a post for the Indiblogger contest, 'Emotional Atyachaar' and not a full-on confession of any kind. Also, innocents (such as myself) must be protected.
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